Spirit of adoption

Dear God, I pray now for Simmy. My little munchkin who stutters. So eager to please, to do things right, so serious in his responsibilities, so eager to obey. Always loving, affectionate, kind and cheerful, eager to hug, smile at, chat to everyone, quick to repent, quick to apologise, a heart of gold. Give him something to do and it’s as good as done. So young yet so grown up.

I am full of anxiety. The whole dynamic in our home is so full of potholes: Mimi volatile, defiant, rude, bossy, argumentative, stroppy, wilful, selfish. Bibi stupid, clumsy, forgetful, dopey, lazy, passive-aggressive, sloppy. Both slow to apologise, surly when corrected, untrusting, closed. Adopted. And there is Simmy, the perfect child. I am not blinded and biassed. He really is incredibly easy, and the other two incredibly difficult, each in their own way. How can this scenario result in a happy outcome I ask you???? How can my two adopted children grow up feeling equally loved? Or Simmy grow up not feeling extra special? How can this not go wrong somehow? It’s not that Mimi and Bibi are always difficult. Mimi can be responsible, efficient, helpful, friendly, bubbly, and Bibi is also chirpy, chatty, singy-dancy, kind, patient, willing to co-operate, willing to help, etc. But the problem is they are difficult in some way so much of the time. Exhausting - Bibi mentally and Mimi emotionally. Whereas Simmy actually does the opposite. He fills me instead of draining me.

Now these are facts that I cannot do anything about. But it troubles me deeply that things are the way they are. I can’t picture a good outcome to all this, for everyone involved. Mimi and Bibi are likely to grow up feeling loved less, feeling like a burden (which they are to some extent), with low self-esteem. I can’t see it happening any other way. It looks to me like a foregone conclusion. And I’m sure it’s not good for someone’s soul feeling like the favourite. I don’t know. It’s just not healthy. Everything about this situation is not healthy. The only thing that is healthy (I think) is my bottomless love for Simmy, and his trusting love for his mom. This is the way it’s supposed to be for mothers and children. All children. Not just some. I wish I could have this with Mimi and Bibi. I pray for this. It seems like an impossible thing to pray for, it would be a divine miracle, for natural evidence speaks against it. But I must believe you are capable of it. So I ask for it, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The devotion this morning was on the Lord’s Prayer. Spurgeon says, “This prayer begins where all true prayer must commence, with the spirit of adoption, ‘Our Father.’ ” God, you are the author of adoption, we are all your adopted children, surely then you know how to turn an adopted child into a true child, heart, body, soul. There is no better person to go to. God, do please give my adopted children the heart of a true child, that is loving and trusting, that yields to and embraces the love offered, that attaches itself whole-heartedly to the new parent, relinquishing all doubt, all past pain, for the sake of healing, that allows itself to be found even as we have been found by you. I ask that my children will allow me into their heart, and not keep me at arms length for ever. Amen.

And please help Simmy with his stutter. Next half of assessment is next week. It’s going so much better at the moment I wonder if the therapist will pick up anything at all. Anyway, I explained to her how he already has these stutterer’s grimaces. “Keep your mouth closed,” I tell him, “and think exactly what you want to say. Then just say it. Don’t start with ‘em’ or ‘and’. That way you get stuck.” It helps. He does it and it helps. But when he gets excited, or tries hard to get a word in edge-wise, he forgets and gets horribly stuck, rolling his eyes back, his face cramping, his mouth wide open in a skew gape, as he tries to form the first word. It doesn’t bother him for now, I just worry about cruel kids at school who will start teasing him and imitating his grimaces.