Son needs help

Yesterday's blog, sent from my cellphone at 11pm, didn't get uploaded I see. I wonder what went wrong.

Dear God, please please help Bibi. Is he just not able to keep his thoughts together? Is he that much behind? Do we just have to keep thinking, "what would a 7-year old do?" But Simmy at 5 is able to do stuff Bibi at 9 is incapable of. Lots of stuff. How much is can't and how much is won't?

Please please please help him. Is he just very much behind? A very slow developer? We had him tested for everything we can think of. There is nothing wrong with him, apparently. He's just behind. Then why can't be do stuff? And it's all fine and well saying "he is a late developer". But somehow we have to get through the day. There's this list of stuff he has to do. Basic stuff that most people don't need a list for. This morning he got reminded to do his list five times, and still he didn't do it. Must we really think for him every moment of every day? Is he really that "unable"? Is it really that impossible for him? If you have a handicapped child, you don't tell them to do stuff, you do it for them. He can do it, so you tell him to do it. He doesn't like being reminded, he doesn't like doing the stuff, and he is not interested in learning. That's what it looks like. He is passively resisting us every step of the way. So we scold and chase and reprimand and nag. So he hates it more and feels stupid and resentful. So he does it even less. So we get even more frustrated. WHAT IS THE ANSWER?????? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO? How can we get him to catch a wake up? He is not stupid, just terribly terribly lazy. He can't be bothered. He doesn't want to think. Thinking is too much effort. He just wants to sit there and stare into space. He is such a space cadette. I find it hard living with him. It is really a pain being his mother. Year after year after year telling him to wash his hands, drink, flush the loo, blow his nose, wipe his bum, drink, pick up his clothes, hang up his towel, eat, wash his face, brush his teeth, drink, eat, put on his shirt the right way round, put on his jersey the right way round, put on his shorts the right way round, straighten his blanket so it actually covers him, pick up the toy instead of standing on it, finding stuff that is right in front of his nose there is snot running down, that is in the same place as always, remembering what he was supposed to be doing, reminding him again five seconds later, hang up your swimming pants, unpack your bag, drink, eat, drink, eat over your plate, blow your nose there is snot running down, tell me when you wet your bed, at least hang up your wet pyjama, don't ignore it, please, drink, eat. It never ends!!!! Year after year. There seems to be no improvement. Oh, sorry, he does now seem to wipe his bum after making a poo. Major improvement.

And the worst is he knows he has to do all this basic stuff and he doesn't and then he lies about it. That is the worst. Lying has become a knee jerk for him. It is his first response to the point where I absolutely cannot trust him any longer. He may be telling the truth at any point in time, or he may not. He does not own up and he does not appear to feel bad when he messes up. He just resents having to admit it and say sorry AGAIN. He is tired of apologizing and being wrong and messing up and getting things wrong. But he doesn't seem to want to get things right. He doesn't seem motivated to try improve and remember and do stuff. He appears to want to get stuff wrong and fail. Failing has become a safe place for him. It's predictable. He knows how to do it. It comes naturally, and most of all, he doesn't have to try.

This is how it looks to me. But I have no idea what is really going on inside him. He is a mystery. He is depressed. He is a deep thinker. I don't think he sees the point of living. Sometimes he wants to die, I know. Life is too much trouble. It's too hard. It's easier to chicken out. It seems there is nothing he really wants to live for. It is so disheartening and perplexing and worrying. I get miserable thinking about him. He really needs help. Who can help him?

This week I need to find a long term solution so he can get counselling. Please God. It cannot wait any longer. Hillside or whatever. Please. Let us find the right person, the right solution. He needs help so badly. Most of all, please you help him. Give him that joy in life, that inner motivation. Or show us what to do. No, not Or, And. And show us what to do.

Please God.