Free love

Good morning God. It was a perfect day yesterday, wasn't it? At least it felt perfect to me because nothing went wrong, Mimi didn't tantrum, she wasn't even rude, and Bibi didn't lie - both super-motivated by dad's new system and taking things into his own hand of authority - and I had no reason to lose it. Lovely outing with Simmy. I love him so much, my little munchkin. He is a balm for my soul. Thank you again and again and again for that little miracle!

Then why am I teary-eyed today? I also feel to aimless and ineffective. There are all these great things I want to do, but I just can't find the direction, the energy, yes and I suppose for now the time, to do anything worthwhile. Ok, I know raising kids is worthwhile. I know this is true religion: looking after orphans.... Ok. I hear you. It's ok. But I'm sure there is more stuff waiting down the road? Please show me clearly, and help me not to miss the road signs!

From the Spurgeon daily devotional:

AM: "I will love you freely" Hosea 14:4
It is good to want to do things for me and people, very good. But I love you freely, without any good works. Let not yourself be driven by a desire to perform. Let all you actions flow from the knowledge and experience of my free love.

PM: "He shall take of mine, and shall show it unto you." John 16:15
God not merely offers us help, he helps. He does not merely offer us strength and comfort, he administers his strength and holds us. We don't have to draw the water of the Spirit from a deep well, no He pours into us of His own accord.

Come Holy Spirit, fill me afresh. Let me live in truth and forgiveness and freedom and power, in faith and joy and love. You know how I desire to help those in need. Especially the children and the poor. Right now I don't feel I have the strength to do much, and the little I do isn't worth the mention, but in time please allow me to become productive and active and to really make a difference in this world. Heal me please from my own sorrows.

Thank you, I am sleeping so well now that I am off the anti-depressants. Please don't let me slide back into depression, where I am (or feel) so useless to myself, you and everyone else. What a waste of time, to go about feeling down and not coping with life. I want my life to matter. But perhaps even that is grandiosity. Perhaps being a humble clay jar is ok. It feels too small. There is so much to do in this world, if only more of us could do something, more would get done. Where is my place in this world? What else have you called me to? Please show me Lord.

I think God is wanting me to stop being a lone ranger. I must link hands with others who have the same heart. I must learn togetherness, team-work, co-operation. Well, I know where to find those at least. But not yet, I feel. Not just yet. Rest, recover, let things at home settle, find help for your own family, your children, make sure you and yours are strong. First things first. Then the rest will follow at the right time.