More worries

I fear the worries are just not ending. Every day a new wave slaps me in the face. A new big worry every day. How much longer will this go on for?

Yesterday when I picked up Bibi from school he didn't have his lunch box. "Was it empty?" - "Yes." - "Did you show it to your teacher?" - "Yes I did." Something made me turn back for it. He couldn't find it. "It's not in your class?" - "No." - "Where did you eat?" - "On the field. But I've looked there." I decided to look for myself. "Anyway why were you eating on the field? You are supposed to be eating outside your class before you go to the field." - "My teacher said we must all go down to the field." - "Really? The day after she said she would get you to eat outside the class?" - "Yes she did."

We looked first in the classroom. When I opened his desk it was like a bomb had gone off in there. Papers and books in an almighty mess. I decided to actually clear out the desk, take it all home and have a good look at everything. I have not had any feedback from the school, no test marks, not a single sight of work books, I don't know what they do at school. Then we went to the field. "Where did you eat?" - "There!" We went to the bench and there in plain sight was his lunch box. "But you said you came here. How come you didn't find your box. It's there as plain as daylight!" - "I didn't see it." - "How can you not see it? You showed me that this bench is where you ate, and on the bench is nothing but your lunch box. You couldn't have come here or you would have found it. Why tell me you came here if you didn't?"

That's how it goes with him. You get some half-baked story, some wishful thinking, some vague nonsense that he thinks will make me happy. In the end it seems he went to the end of the corridor and cast his eyes briefly and casually in the general direction of where he had eaten his lunch. At that distance he hadn't seen it (though it was visible even from where he stood, by the way). So that to him means "I went and looked on the field where I ate." - "So how did you show your teacher your lunch box if you didn't have it?" - 'She was on duty the first break." - "But you didn't leave it here the first break. What happened after second break?" No answer. So you see there's a lot of absentmindedness, forgetfulness in there, but also not wanting to admit he got it wrong AGAIN, and not wanting mom to scold and... who knows.

Anyway, this is not the worry I'm talking about now. Just more of yesterdays'. The worry that hit me today was the state of his work. It is atrocious. I do not recognize the boy I taught only 4 months ago. He can write beautifully but his books are a mess, just scribbling and scrawling. I know what he is capable of in math, but in his books he gets even the most basic stuff wrong. There are all these worksheets, most of them are not finished, and not even started. He is clearly not AT ALL able to function in the school environment. I have seen him - he gets this absentminded glazed look, sucking his lip, looking vaguely around at everyone else like a deer in the headlights. Totally overwhelmed. Unable to gather his thoughts and focus on what is infront of him. And now his books confirm it. Some books, funnily his Afrikaans, are ok. They also do very little actual work, unless everyone else does a lot more than he. A single journal entry since July. He used to write in his journal weekly. Very little writing, just lots of spelling words and sentences. But the worst is simply the quality of work and his dreadful regression. His books look like those of a first grader.

I have not had any feedback. I have not seen his workbooks, have seen no test results, he never brings work home that he didn't finish in class. Nothing. The first feedback I got was that he failed. The teachers probably look at that and go "Hmm. Just shows how bad homeschooling is. If this is all he learned in two and a half years! His mother must have been useless!" And I think if this is what happens with this child the moment he is let loose in school, what will become of him? Where would he be now if I hadn't homeschooled him?

Now what??????? This is not working out for him! What are we to do? He is happy as Larry at school. He loves being there with the other kids. But, as I explained later, between now and when he turns 20 at the latest, we as parents have to make sure he has a foundation, and education, that will stand him in good stead. We cannot fail him in that area. And that is more important that he has a blast with his pals. It's wonderful if he enjoys school, but that is not primarily what school is about.

Dear Lord, today I actually want to thank you. Despite all these new concerns and repeated lies I actually reacted with love and patience, with concern and warmth. I didn't explode, I didn't make it worse by scolding and blaming and punishing. This is your doing and I thank you for it. I could feel, despite having slept badly, and despite feeling deeply troubled in my soul, a kind of peace, a greater inner ability to face all these troubles. Keep it up Lord! You are doing great!

Lies lies...

Bibi's lying is getting completely out of hand. I'm sure he doesn't go out of his way to be untruthful. I'm sure he doesn't mean to deceive. It's just that he ... seems to say whatever first pops into his head, or what he wishes to be true, or what he thinks he ought to be able to say, or what he thinks I want to hear, without reference to reality. He doesn't stop, think, remember and give accurate feedback of what happened, but what he thinks should have happened. And it is such an automatic response, that I'm not sure he even notices. Until you point it out to him.

Like today his teacher emailed to say she had organized for him to sit with his friend during break, and they would both make sure the other ate and drank, in a kind of buddy system. I thought this was a brilliant solution to my agonizing email, where I explained to her why it was so important that he eat and drink. When I picked him up his lunch box was indeed empty. Looking forward to hear him tell me about this new arrangement, I asked "So how did you do it? How did it happen?" But he started telling me how he had sat outside the class while everyone else went to the field to play. "Everyone?" - "Yes, everyone." - "You sat all by yourself?" - "Yes." I asked several times in different ways. But he kept repeating the story. Now there was absolutely no reason for him to tell me this untruth, unless he thought I wanted to hear that he had sat by himself. "Didn't you sit with your friend?" I asked him at last. "Oh, yes, I did." Suddenly he sat with his friend. It just makes no sense! I am so perplexed and at my wit's end. I just can't get to the bottom of it. I don't know what makes him tick. I get so sick in my stomach.

All the way to town (to pick up Simmy) I asked him to talk to me about lies and the truth, prompting him when he got stuck. It's all in there: how lies hurt people, how people can't trust you, how you then have to cover up a lie with another one, how the truth is simple, just say it the way it is, it is the loving thing to do, God is truth, God hates lies, lies destroy trust, if you lie even once, people don't know if the next thing you say will be true, lies are from the devil, they are really horrible and disgusting, etc.

I then said some pretty harsh things to him, some of which I kind of regret, but on the other hand, I need him to understand what his constant lying is doing to us. "It means I cannot trust anything you say. Consider what that does: because I don't know whether you are going to be telling me the way things are, or just babbling nonsense, I don't even want to listen to you. I don't want to talk with you. Sometimes I don't even want to look at you, because I cannot trust you and you don't trust me. We have no relationship my boy. It is so sad. We have no friendship, because of it. We are strangers, I don't understand you, you are a mystery. When kids and their parents are friends it is a wonderful thing. When you are truthful with each other, trusting, then you listen to each other, understand each other, get to know each others, what the other person thinks and feels, be sad with them or be happy with them, get excited together or just have fun. You can talk about anything. I want to know you, I want to understand you, but I just can't find out because anything you say might be the truth or it might be made up, and there is absolutely no way to tell. I find that so sad. I would love to have a relationship with my son." I also reminded him that since I love him so much, I'm not going to give up on him. Love doesn't give up. Love doesn't let go. But my love is not enough in this. Relationship needs trust, and trust needs truth.

I also explained to him that truth is what holds families and societies together. "If people couldn't trust each other then society would collapse. And in some places it has collapsed. One day when he goes looking for a job the very first thing they will want to know is "Is he honest? Can he be trusted?" If you continue in your habit of lies, it might well get you into prison eventually. That is where the dishonest often end up. And once you've been in prison it is like a scar on your skin that will never go away. A prison sentence never gets forgotten. This world works on a foundation of truth and trust. Nobody wants to do business with someone they cannot trust. You will have to make a decision inside your heart how you want your life and relationships to turn out. And if you want friends and a job and a family and be a respected member of society, and a good Christian, you will have to decide to tell the truth from this day forward, so help you God, and never to tell a single lie again. Because even a single lie can destroy trust for a very long time, perhaps even for ever."

My moment came when my parents left me home and went to that bird show all those years ago. I had lied of a little thing - digging a hole in the plaster in the wall, or rather enlarging an existing wall in crumbling plaster. And I simply denied it. Missing that bird show was such a huge punishment that from then on I ... I don't want to say "never lied again", because I'm sure I have told lies, but it feels like I never lied again. Even under the greatest pressure, when the truth would get me into trouble, I would screw my face up and tell it anyway.

This thing is really pathological. I'm not even sure if he is able to tell the truth apart from fantasy. I suppose he doesn't go out planning to lie. But he just says the first thing that comes to mind. He says what he thinks I want to hear. Depending on how I ask the question, I get a different answer. Had I asked "Did someone sit with you?" he might have said "Yes". He tells me stuff he wants to be true - like stuff at school. According to him he is good at everything, he is the best reader, he got the highest marks in a test, he is the fastest runner, he is everyone's friend. Some of it may well be true, but some of it evidently isn't. He is the weakest student and has to repeat a year. So it seems likely that he is making it up when he boasts about his school work. He is probably a good swimmer since he is swimming in the inter school gala. But perhaps everyone in his grade got "selected". I want him to be good at stuff, but more importantly I want to know how he is really doing. But because it seems so hopeless that I'll ever find out, I give up. I really don't want to listen to his babble because half of it is probably made up.

I need help getting to know him. He needs help communicating. He needs help getting a clear picture of himself, and feeling good about himself. I need help interacting with him constructively.

We wanted a word from the Most High, a word from the lip of the loving One, to end our fears then; we shall soon discover, when under a sense of present sin, that we need it now. No man can be renewed without as real and true a manifestation of the Holy Spirit's energy as he felt at first, because the work is as great, and flesh and blood are as much in the way now as ever they were. Let thy personal weakness, O Christian, be an argument to make thee pray earnestly to thy God for help. 

Oh Lord! Help my darling! Please dear Lord! Whatever it is that is holding him back from treating truth as the holy thing it is, heal that Father. Whatever will encourage him to be truthful, please provide that. He is a truthful boy in his heart, I believe that. He is not wicked. He doesn't want to lie. But you know all that better than me. Save him Father! From the work of the enemy. Please let him partake in your nature, that truth becomes what defines him.