More worries

I fear the worries are just not ending. Every day a new wave slaps me in the face. A new big worry every day. How much longer will this go on for?

Yesterday when I picked up Bibi from school he didn't have his lunch box. "Was it empty?" - "Yes." - "Did you show it to your teacher?" - "Yes I did." Something made me turn back for it. He couldn't find it. "It's not in your class?" - "No." - "Where did you eat?" - "On the field. But I've looked there." I decided to look for myself. "Anyway why were you eating on the field? You are supposed to be eating outside your class before you go to the field." - "My teacher said we must all go down to the field." - "Really? The day after she said she would get you to eat outside the class?" - "Yes she did."

We looked first in the classroom. When I opened his desk it was like a bomb had gone off in there. Papers and books in an almighty mess. I decided to actually clear out the desk, take it all home and have a good look at everything. I have not had any feedback from the school, no test marks, not a single sight of work books, I don't know what they do at school. Then we went to the field. "Where did you eat?" - "There!" We went to the bench and there in plain sight was his lunch box. "But you said you came here. How come you didn't find your box. It's there as plain as daylight!" - "I didn't see it." - "How can you not see it? You showed me that this bench is where you ate, and on the bench is nothing but your lunch box. You couldn't have come here or you would have found it. Why tell me you came here if you didn't?"

That's how it goes with him. You get some half-baked story, some wishful thinking, some vague nonsense that he thinks will make me happy. In the end it seems he went to the end of the corridor and cast his eyes briefly and casually in the general direction of where he had eaten his lunch. At that distance he hadn't seen it (though it was visible even from where he stood, by the way). So that to him means "I went and looked on the field where I ate." - "So how did you show your teacher your lunch box if you didn't have it?" - 'She was on duty the first break." - "But you didn't leave it here the first break. What happened after second break?" No answer. So you see there's a lot of absentmindedness, forgetfulness in there, but also not wanting to admit he got it wrong AGAIN, and not wanting mom to scold and... who knows.

Anyway, this is not the worry I'm talking about now. Just more of yesterdays'. The worry that hit me today was the state of his work. It is atrocious. I do not recognize the boy I taught only 4 months ago. He can write beautifully but his books are a mess, just scribbling and scrawling. I know what he is capable of in math, but in his books he gets even the most basic stuff wrong. There are all these worksheets, most of them are not finished, and not even started. He is clearly not AT ALL able to function in the school environment. I have seen him - he gets this absentminded glazed look, sucking his lip, looking vaguely around at everyone else like a deer in the headlights. Totally overwhelmed. Unable to gather his thoughts and focus on what is infront of him. And now his books confirm it. Some books, funnily his Afrikaans, are ok. They also do very little actual work, unless everyone else does a lot more than he. A single journal entry since July. He used to write in his journal weekly. Very little writing, just lots of spelling words and sentences. But the worst is simply the quality of work and his dreadful regression. His books look like those of a first grader.

I have not had any feedback. I have not seen his workbooks, have seen no test results, he never brings work home that he didn't finish in class. Nothing. The first feedback I got was that he failed. The teachers probably look at that and go "Hmm. Just shows how bad homeschooling is. If this is all he learned in two and a half years! His mother must have been useless!" And I think if this is what happens with this child the moment he is let loose in school, what will become of him? Where would he be now if I hadn't homeschooled him?

Now what??????? This is not working out for him! What are we to do? He is happy as Larry at school. He loves being there with the other kids. But, as I explained later, between now and when he turns 20 at the latest, we as parents have to make sure he has a foundation, and education, that will stand him in good stead. We cannot fail him in that area. And that is more important that he has a blast with his pals. It's wonderful if he enjoys school, but that is not primarily what school is about.

Dear Lord, today I actually want to thank you. Despite all these new concerns and repeated lies I actually reacted with love and patience, with concern and warmth. I didn't explode, I didn't make it worse by scolding and blaming and punishing. This is your doing and I thank you for it. I could feel, despite having slept badly, and despite feeling deeply troubled in my soul, a kind of peace, a greater inner ability to face all these troubles. Keep it up Lord! You are doing great!